Losing Grip
by fading.away
Summary: A song fic based on Avril Lavigne's Losing Grip. Duo loves Heero so much, yet are his feelings really returned? Their relationship is wrenched apart by paranoia and jealousy; will they be able to fix it? Shounen ai, 1x2. Be sure to read the warnings!
1. Verse 1

**Title:** Losing Grip  
**Chapter:** Verse 1  
**Author:** fading.away  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warning:** Angst, shounen ai, some OOC and A/U-ness   
**Pairings:** 1x2, possible 3x4 and 1xR   
**Spoilers:** None   
**Disclaimer:** Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me, and neither does the song "Losing Grip" (© to their rightful owners!). They're used for entertainment purposes only, no profit; so don't sue! (I have nothing to give anyway, --") Anyway, all flames will be used to create an enormous bonfire to burn certain people I dislike... ¬_¬  
**Author's Note:** This is the first Gundam Wing fanfic I've put up on fanfiction.net, so don't be too harsh! Well, okay, I probably deserve it. But make it constructive and helpful! ^_^ Thanks and don't forget to R&R! 

_Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby   
Right now I feel invisible to you  
Like I'm not, real…  
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you,  
Why'd you turn away…  
__Here's what I have to say…_

Duo picked moodily at his plate, littered with what was once edible food, now mere bits and pieces. A hint of yellow peeked out from beneath… beneath… well, beneath something. Slightly curious – not to mention having nothing else to do – Duo carefully parted bits of unrecognizable food to reveal a simply drawn marigold flower, adorning the otherwise simple earthenware plate. A trace of a smile curved his lips as the memory of a certain someone's face suddenly flashed before his eyes.

_/Flashback/_

_Duo leaped exuberantly up the gently inclining slope of the grassy hill, filled to the brim with pent-up energy. Trailing behind at a steadier pace was Heero, carrying with him a heavy picnic basket – packed by Duo, of course – as if it was as light as a feather. Once the ground leveled out, Duo plopped down in the shade of a nearby tree, waiting eagerly for Heero to sit down alongside him and unpack the basket. The stolid Japanese boy couldn't help but laugh at the enormous, shining cobalt eyes that were fixed intently on the food coming out of the basket. His laughter grew as Duo happily began to pig out, eating this, eating that, eating simply everything. Smiling tenderly at the oh-so-cute piggy, Heero resigned to join him. _

_Later, after they had finished eating, the two shared a comfortable, companionable silence; Heero leaning against the tree's trunk with Duo in his arms, Duo's arms wrapped around Heero's waist. It was interrupted _ – _however not unpleasantly _ – _by Heero picking a lone marigold flower growing in the grass by the tree roots and tucking it carefully behind Duo's ear. Touched by this unusual show of compassion, Duo turned his head and gave the suddenly shy boy a grateful kiss. _

_Encouraged, Heero tentatively reached out and fingered the soft petals, before gently caressing one alabaster cheek. "It reminds me of Relena-san's hair," he informed the American, chuckling softly as his hand dropped to his side. _

_Duo froze, a blank smile plastered on his face. Unaware, Heero continued. "The soft texture and cornflower coloring are exactly like her golden tresses." His usually cold Prussian eyes lit up with a type of boyish excitement and he rose, forcing Duo to stand as well. Grabbing his hand, Heero grinned. "Let's find some more flowers and take them to the house! Quatre would be so pleased, and… they'd look nice in your hair…" he added shyly. Tugging Duo's arm when he refused to move, he exclaimed, "Come on! Let's go!" and began to head out toward the meadow. _

_The marigold flower had fallen from Duo's hair to land on a clean earthenware plate, devoid of food. Duo stared at him, asking faintly, "But what about this one?" _

_Heero shrugged and replied dismissingly, "I'll find prettier ones for you. Now, let's go!" he added impatiently, and the two ran out into the warm sunlight. A sudden breeze blew past, ruffling the flower's petals before they settled back down, already wilting. _

_/End Flashback/ _

Something in his stomach curled, and Duo blanched. He remembered returning later that afternoon and having a surprise encounter with a visiting Relena in Quatre's summer home. Heero had given her a bouquet of flowers, flushing when she gave him a warm smile. Later in the night, they had a fight, Duo yelling about what Relena still meant to Heero and Heero yelling back about trusting the one they love. It had ended with Heero storming out; leaving Duo huddled all alone on the large bed. That had only been the beginning – the beginning of the relationship's slow, but steady downfall. 

Pushing back on his chair, Duo rose from the dinner table, muttering, "I've lost my appetite. I'm going upstairs." Taking his leave, Duo disappeared out of the room. 

"But--" Quatre broke off when he realized the American had already left the room. He turned to gaze at Trowa, whose bemused eyes told him that the older boy didn't have any idea what was going on either. They listened to the sound of Duo climbing up the stairs and gently closing his bedroom door, clearly indicating he wished to be left alone. "Oh… oh dear…" Quatre murmured, and clutched his chest. 

Once inside, Duo flung himself on to his bed, ignoring the soft creaking in protest of his sudden weight. He couldn't bear to look at the other side of the room, so empty since Heero and he had stopped sharing rooms. Although he had redecorated in order to fully enjoy the space, it still seemed so… bare, without Heero's belongings, neatly put away or tucked in carefully. 

Sighing, Duo took one look around the room before burying his face in his pillow. It was soon damp with tears, although no sound came from the trembling form. 


	2. Verse 2

**Title: **Losing Grip   
**Chapter: **Verse 1   
**Author: **fading.away   
**Rating: **PG-13   
**Warning: **Angst, shounen ai, some cursing, OOC and A/U-ness   
**Pairings: **1x2, possible 1xR   
**Spoilers: **None   
**Disclaimer: **Aww, Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me. Neither does the song Losing Grip. They're used for entertainment purposes only, and I'm making absolutely no money off them! Sue and you'll get a broken pencil.   
**Author's Note: **I don't like this chapter very much, hehe. Well, the flashback anyway. I wrote this before I wrote Verse 1, so pardon if it's confusing or doesn't make sense. Ah well, suggestions and comments are greatly appreciated! R&R I tell you! Flame me, love me, just R&R! 

_Am I just some chick you place beside you,   
To take somebody's place   
When you turn around can you recognize, my face…   
You used to love me   
You used to hug me   
But that wasn't the case   
Everything wasn't okay… _

"No… no… please… no! Don't… stop…! I'm sorry… I'm sorry…!" Strangled whimpers and cries came from the room Heero occupied, before erupting into silence. Duo lay on his own bed, a look of intense pain scrawled all over his face. His eyes were closed, lips moving in silent prayer, as he waited anxiously. The silence continued, and Duo relaxed, thinking it was over. 

Suddenly, a piercing scream broke the silence, causing Duo's eyes to snap open as he stumbled out of bed into the room alongside his. He paused at the door, peering in as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. 

The room was surprisingly immaculate: clothes were neatly put away, the large desk uncluttered and in order. The bed in the left hand corner, on the other hand, did not belong in such a room. Sheets were rumpled, blankets were tangled, and a body writhed in the center, still asleep. Messy chocolate brown hair was even more – if possible – tousled, bangs slicked to the boy's forehead with moisture. His body, clad only in a pair of dark green silk boxers, was damp with sweat, cooling to grow clammy and sticky. From the look on his face, the poor guy was apparently having a nightmare, flailing his arms and legs all the while crying out. 

Duo was instantly at his side, crouching on his knees beside the bed. He gently shook him awake, calling softly, "Heero… Heero… wake up… it's okay…" 

With a sharp intake of breath, Heero woke. In a small, pitiful voice quite unlike his usual growl, he whispered hopefully, "Relena…?" 

The American started, clearly pained by the simple one-worded question. Swallowing hard, he managed to sound calm as he replied gently, "No, Heero; remember? It's me, Duo." 

Silence was his only answer; something began to scratch at Duo's heart, ripping at it mercilessly. With shaky fingers he clicked on a nearby lamp, causing Heero to wince at the sudden brightness. Duo barely noticed the burning of his eyes as he gazed down at the trembling figure of his lover. Heero stared back, confusion clouding his eyes before recognition kicked in far too late. 

"Oh, it's you… Duo." 

It tore at his heart fiercely, slowly tearing it to shreds. On the exterior, however, Duo managed to fake a mask of cheerfulness, replying, "Yea, it's me. Musta' been one hella' nightmare. You gonna be okay?" he added softly. 

"Aah." Heero grunted briefly, voice gruff and apathetic. Duo nodded and straightened out the sheets around his love wordlessly before clicking the lamp off. 

As he trudged off to his own room, he paused again at the door, turning back to glance over at the ex-pilot, whose back was turned to the door. Heaving a silent sigh, Duo turned to face forward and walked out, gently shutting the door closed behind him with a soft click. 

As he lay back in his own bed, the sound of Heero's voice, so meek and small, immediately searching for someone other than he, played over and over in Duo's mind, ringing repeatedly in his ears. A simple word… how could it cause such pain? "Relena…?" Oh, how hopeful he had sounded! 

He… he still loves… Relena. No matter what he says, he still loves Relena. After all these years, he still calls out for her… for her, to comfort him after a nightmare. Not me… What am I to him then? What value, if any, does he hold for me like he did – no, does – hold for her? Did he ever truly forget about her, and love me? 

/Flashback/ 

Whistling cheerfully, Duo bustled about the warm kitchen. Wearing a ruffled white apron and a pair of fuzzy white slippers, hair up in a large bun, he played the part of a cheery housewife remarkably well. Grabbing the handle of the sizzling frying pan with one hand, he grasped a wooden spatula firmly in the other and began to stir the pan's contents expertly. 

The sound of soft steps entering the kitchen was easily drowned out by all the noise, and Duo was completely unaware that someone else was in the room. Only when a pair of strong arms encircled his waist did Duo realize that Heero had sneaked up behind him. Setting the pan and spatula down carefully, he reached up to wrap his arms around Heero's neck and smiled. 

"What you doin'?" the voice was muffled, as Heero's face was buried in Duo's hair, but the husky voice still sent chills down the braided boy's back. 

"Cookin' dinner fer ya!" Duo turned to face his lover, a cheeky grin playing on his lips. 

Smirking, Heero bent down for a kiss, lasting until the smell of burning food wafted up to their nostrils. 

"OH SHIT!" Cursing, Duo hastily broke away and turned the stove off. 

Turning back around, he purred, "Now, where were we…" But Heero was gone. He was left all alone in the hot kitchen, skin tingling where Heero and touched him, as if tainted with poisoned ice. Only then did he realize that Heero had whispered the name, "Relena…" during their embrace. 

/End Flashback/ 

There was a sound of glass shattering, muffled as if from far away. Startled, Duo jerked, clutching his chest at the sudden pain that hit him, before realizing that it was his heart, splintering into the million pieces as the shards fell into the pit of his stomach. 


	3. Chorus

**Title: **Losing Grip  
**Chapter: **Chorus  
**Author: **fading.away  
**Rating: **R  
**Warning: **Angst, shounen ai, yaoi, OOC and A/U-ness, cursing, and rape  
**Pairings: **1x2, rape of Duo  
**Spoilers: **None  
**Disclaimer: **The song Losing Grip belongs to Avril Lavigne, etc. and Gundam Wing to its respectful owners! T_T I wish terribly that Gundam Wing belonged to me, but it doesn't. Don't sue me now, this is for entertainment purposes and I get no money at all! What would you want from me anyway? All you'll get is a set of broken headphones**.  
Author's Note: **Oh wow. I really don't like how this chapter turned out. It was written so terribly! I'm so sorry! Forgive me! I shall work my ass off to make up for it! Gosh, this is absolutely horrid! T_T I'm so embarrassed. I wanted a really good, dark rape scene for the sake of Duo (if he's going to get raped, it should be done good and proper, ne? Gomen, I'm a twisted crackhead! ^_^U), but it turned out... well, you'll see. Please R&R and give me your opinion on how I should fix it! I repeat, R&R! 

_I was left to cry there  
Waiting outside there   
Grinning with a lost air   
That's when I decided… _

_Why, should I care?   
Cuz you weren't there  
When I was scared   
I was so alone _

_You, you need to listen   
I'm starting to trip   
I'm losing my grip   
_And I'm in this thing alone 

A shivering Duo stood at the front of a movie theater, waiting patiently. Blowing at his numb hands to keep them warm, he glanced down at his watch again. He had lost track of how often he had checked the time; the count must've reached 200 by now. It now read 9:58, the black digits staring sullenly up at the American as if to dare him to question their honesty. 

Scowling back down at them, Duo scanned the area once more, keeping the fake grin plastered on his face so he wouldn't look *too* stupid. _I seem to be doing that a lot lately…_ The thought popped out of nowhere, causing the smile to crumble and fall. Cursing, he shoved his hands into his pockets and grumbled, "I give up!" before walking away in the direction of home. 

An hour later Duo found himself sitting on a park bench, exhausted and annoyed. "Fer Christ's sake, why'd the safe house hafta be located so far away?!?" he cursed. Pulling his cap over his face, Duo shifted to a more comfortable position and leaned his head against the back of the bench. "Eh, it wouldn't hurt ta just rest here fer a while… just a bit…" he mumbled. Exhaustion took over, and the young American soon drifted off to sleep. 

_/Dream Scene/ _

_His eyes flew open, and he sat up with a start. The pounding of his heart echoed in the small room, his breath ragged in his ears as the nightmare flashed past his eyes again. Father Maxwell. Sister Helen. The church. Ruined. Burnt. Dead. Gone. Over and over it played in his mind… _

_Duo whimpered, hugging his knees tightly against his chest. Closing his eyes, he buried his face in his arms, trying to hide the tears threatening to spill out. His sheets were pooled about him, and he clutched them tightly, hands formed into fists, in false hopes of disappearing into the sea of linen. _

_The narrow bed creaked as another, heavier weight rested against it. Duo made no move in acknowledgement, yet flinching when their hand gently touched his arm. His breath caught in his chest as his face was gently – yet firmly – lift up to face whoever was by his side. Cobalt eyes, shining with unshed tears and heavy with emotion, locked onto stormy Prussian ones. Duo looked away first, fearful, and in one swift motion, Heero pulled him into his arms. _

_That was all it took. Silent sobs wracked Duo's body as he let the tears fall, clutching Heero's shirt so tightly his knuckles turned white. Heero held him closely, gently stroking the crown of his head, whispering, "Shh… it's okay… it's okay…" _

_Duo's muffled voice came up, and Heero managed to catch the words, "Maxwell… gone… dead… alone… alone… alone…" Realizing he had had a nightmare, Heero pressed him closer, cupping his chin to face him. _

_"It'll be okay… I'm here for you. Whenever you need me, just call my name, and I'll be by your side." _

_"Promise?" _

_"Promise." _

_Satisfied, Duo gave him a soft kiss and wrapped his arms tightly around his koi. _

_"See? You'll never be alone as long as I'm around." Heero murmured. His eyes softened and a rare, tender smile curved his lips as Duo nodded and reburied himself in his chest. _

_"I'll always be by your side… always…" _

_(Flash Backwards) _

_Her hand, cool against his cheek, grew limp. It fell, landing beside her still body. Unable to form a coherent sound, Duo could only hiccup as tears began to stream down his face, before throwing his head up in a scream. _

_/End Dream/_

Gasping, Duo's eyes flew open as he woke up with a start. He curled up automatically, legs pressed closely against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly about himself. He began to rock slowly on the hard park bench, paying no attention to the uncomfortable aching of his bottom. Why… why did he have to have those dreams? Why did they still torment him, after all these years? Why couldn't he just move on, put those memories behind him? Deeply absorbed in his thoughts, Duo failed to notice the quick pattering of steps heading toward him. By the time he realized what was happening, it would be too late. 

"Well, well. What do we have here?" The comment ripped through the peaceful silence of the night, the vulgar undertones leaving behind sour feelings in its wake. Thoughts scattering like a flock of uneasy birds, Duo finally noticed that he was not alone. Unable to repress the shudder that wracked his body, he slowly lifted his face to gaze up at a crowd of men. They leered down at him, eyes red-rimmed and glazed with lust and too much alcohol. 

Duo grew tense, immediately sensing the negativity. His fists tightened, scrunching up the sleeve of his shirt, but he managed to answer back calmly. "What the fuck do you want?" Although his tone was unafraid, his reply was unlike what Duo usually would have said and done if caught in such a predicament. The dream still lingered on his mind, leaving him feeling weak and fearful. To be caught in such a vulnerable state was bad; to be caught like this by a group of drunk, horny men was worse, and he couldn't escape. Trembling, he looked away, unable to keep his eyes on the speaker.

The speaker smirked, sensing this was easy prey, weak and vulnerable. Intimidating to look at, with a tall, heavy build, he seemed to be the leader of the gang. Swaggering closer, he bent down to put his face mere millimeters away from Duo's face. "Now, there's no need to use such language, is there? We just want to have a little fun. Yea, just some 'fun!' Isn't that right boys?"

The men sniggered, crowding closer together, like mangy dogs waiting eagerly to be fed. They gazed at their master expectantly, ready to jump at his signal. Noting the flicker of fear that flitted through Duo's eyes, the leader gave a satisfied sneer and roared, "Let's get him!"

With a whoop almost animal in sound, they moved in, a lecherous leer on each man's red face. Although trying his best to fend them off, Duo was soon lost in the center. He curled up in fetal position, desperately seeking to protect his head. They began to beat him: kicking, punching, spitting, hitting him with their bats. 

By the time they were through, Duo was barely recognizable anymore, much less able to resist as they bound and dragged him into a more secluded part of the park. He could only whimper as they stripped him of his clothes and began their "fun."

Head swimming, everything began to blur. All he could see was a sea of red, sweaty, leering faces that swam in and out of focus. They spat at him, splashing him with beer every now and then to see him cringe. As the first man thrust into him to the approval of the crowd, a scream escaped Duo's bruised lips as he felt himself being torn and bleeding. Each man took turns to ravage and rape his body, while the others contented themselves with beating him and calling out rudely. Each time, they ripped a scream out of him, leaving his throat raw and bloody, unable to make a sound.

As he teetered on the brink of falling unconscious, he could only think one question.

_Where are you Heero? Where? I need you most now… don't leave me alone… you promised me… promised me… _

"…promise…" He formed the word with his lips, barely able to whisper it out before all melted into darkness.


End file.
